Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Emotional? Blame Pregnancy


A fair warning right up front: this may be another one of those diary/journal entries.  Not meant for our blog but instead for secret pages of my journal.  But for now I’ll just write because I need to...

Thank goodness Louisa decided to go down for a nap after all. I put her down at 12:30 and she just sat in her crib playing for an hour. At 1:30 I went in because she sounded distressed. Good thing I went in, because she was in a bit of a pickle. I had foolishly put two of her favorite library books on her changing table when I put her down. The books were out of reach, but the changing board (which sits upon the dresser) was not. So she slid the board and must have become nervous/angry when the board hung onto the dresser only by a corner, the book still out of reach.  The curious thing is that she found a way to get the other book, Hugs and Kisses, which was either above or below the 2nd book, Gorillita.  Interesting.  SO ANYWAYS, at 1:30 we paused the nap button and went for a walk.  She fell asleep in her stroller and is now in her crib sleeping.  Well, fingers crossed she is sleeping.

So onto the emotional stuff.  I realized around 9:30 last night that I’m a bit emotional right now. I had reached into the microwave to retrieve a cup of hot water for tea. The mug itself was not hot, but the handle – ouch!  I cried out while trying not to throw the mug back down onto the glass plate.  From the other room, Nate asked if I was okay. The normal me would have said, calmly, “no, but I’ll be fine in a few seconds.” Instead, the emotional me didn’t answer and secretly wished that Nate would stop what he was doing and come to make sure I was okay. So instead of taking a deep breath, labeling myself immature and walking in to tell him that I was fine, I started silently crying and slipped away into our bedroom to read and fall asleep for the night. So silly.

Then today, I woke up in a decent mood, showered, and gave Ries a bath.  But then I checked my email and saw an offer letter from a company I interviewed with.  I say “but” because it has really made my head spin with questions.  Long story short, it’s a start-up that can only compensate me with stock options IF they are successful.  I’ve come this far with them because their idea intrigues me and I do think I want to work, even if only for 10 hours per week. But now that it’s a real offer, I’m having major second thoughts about whether accepting the offer is selling myself, and my profession, waaaaay short.

The other work opportunities I’ve had out here have been either very part-time (4 hours per month) or very BIG (we’d like you to start a private nutrition practice within our clinic).  Oh and then there’s the cloth-diapering store that offered me a job but never responded to my very low-demand counter-offer.

So my head spins with questions, not only of whether or not to accept this no-pay, interesting opportunity, but also of my contentment with working versus being a stay-at-home-mom. I read a devotional the other day that reminded me to say “Jesus, I trust you” throughout the day, when faced with questions, big or small. So I have been doing that. And I have no doubt that He is guiding me, but I wish I could have a say in WHEN I get specific guidance points, you know?

It just struck me that this is a great time to make a list of things I’m thankful for.  Now is a good time for that because I need some positive, calming thoughts to halt the head-spin.  Things are not bad at all.  So what’s good about this moment, day, year…?

  •         Louisa is really sleeping, giving me time to reflect
  •         Louisa is an easy child…healthy, happy, great sleeper
  •         It’s 65 degrees and sunny out right now
  •         We’re renting a great house in a great location
  •         Nate likes his job
  •         Most jobs I apply to are responding to my applications
  •         Ries is clean J

1 comment:

  1. I like the honesty you are giving in your post today; thanks. I needed to read that things aren't always easy for other people too. We are getting ready to officially head out to Cali next week and that's been stressful... On the upside, it will be easy (or at least easier) for me to come visit you (& help out a bit too) sometime soon!

    ReplyDelete

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